inner ramblings, poem

Funny How

Funny how you say “hello” when you really mean “goodbye”
Say “I’m sorry” when you really mean “It’s over and we’re done”
Say “I’m okay” when nothing in your life is fine
And fake a smile while you say those lines

Funny how you stay while everyone is leaving
You fight while everyone is giving up
You dream while everyone surrenders to routine
And feel so alone in your journey

Funny how they start seeking when you’re gone
They start pulling when you rise
They start asking when you’re quiet
And stay away when you breakdown

Funny how many find it so easy to lie
So easy to put on a mask and pretend
So easy to put on an act and deceive
And there you are suffering with the lies

Funny how truths are taken for granted
Rights and wrongs mixed up, vague and blurred
Real and fakes are barely recognizable
And all that matters are what others said

Funny how humans are mistaken for things
Materials are given more value
Money is given the front seat
And the ones who are breathing in the back seat

Funny how as time passes the more life loses its meaning
Life loses its purpose
Life, as what it should be, is lost
And before you know it, time’s up and you’re dying.

inner ramblings

The Hollow Men

“This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper.”

– T.S. Eliot –

not with a bang but a whimper 

with a bang but a whimper

a bang but a whimper

bang but a whimper

but a whimper

a whimper


inner ramblings

The Reason

“God loves you. He loves you more than you’ll ever know.”

I keep on telling this to myself over and over since I was visited by my second nightmare this week and I’ve been overcome by feelings of guilt and unworthiness.

I am shameful.

“No, God is pleased with you.”

I am tainted.

“No, Jesus paid the price for all of your sins. You are a new creation now.”

I don’t deserve to be loved.

“No, God loves you no matter what.”

I know all of these things and yet, something is still wrong with me. I’ve known these truths because I’ve been through this phase before. I thought I’m over this. But just one bad dream was all it took to crack the confidence I’ve built all this time.

Past is past, they say. Yes, I moved on. I created a new life. I now live for a purpose that is beyond me and the world I live in. I envision myself in a future that is everything that my past was not.

And just one bad dream. I was reminded of it all. I was back to those times.

The lies.

The deceit.

The darkness.

Along with my confidence, the vision of my future…quakes.

I feel like I’m at the end of myself. No, I am at the end of myself. No one can save me. Not even my beloved whose love I have for him brought me to this point. No one.

“God loves you so much!”

How many times do I have to tell this to myself? What do I do?

“God loves you so much that you’ve come this far.”

Yes, I’ve come so far. But I’m back from the start.

“God loves you so much that He made a way out of this ‘black hole’!”

A way out? Where?

“The Cross! Jesus! You were the reason, remember?”

The Cross. Jesus. I was the reason.

He suffered.

He was crucified.

He bled to death.

And I was the reason.