I’m tired. I’m tired. I’m TIRED.
I’m tired of trying hard to be someone I’m not. I’m tired of doing things I don’t really have any passion in. New Year? So what? I’m tired of following and restricting myself with time, too. I just feel like I’m so out-of-place and out-of-time with the life I’m living. I’m tired of trying to pace myself with the world I’m trying to conform to.
I’m tired of TRYING.
I’m tired of living this FAKE LIFE.
Last night, while I was watching some Korean drama, Pat came home from her choir gig. She then started gushing about her conference trip to Jade, my best friend. She was excitedly talking mainly about this former crush of hers and the other guy crush who were there with her. She was in an emotionally elated state and I can’t help but ponder on how far I’ve come from the girl I was. Now I can’t help but stop and think if I should be sad or glad that I’m past the stage where I dwell and feel all those roller coaster ride emotions of being around someone I like.
Or maybe I just got hurt. And tired. So I’ve become… numb?
I haven’t really given it much thought until now. I’ve been going with the flow ever since I’ve learned that thinking about the whys won’t make me get any better. I kept going and going. I went after the things that make me occupied and content. A couple of nights emotions still get the better of me. And now, no more.
Is it wrong to like someone? No.
Is it wrong to want to spend your life with someone? No.
Is it wrong to have no answers? No.
I guess when you’ve been through all those things, there will come a time when you’ll get tired of it all and just… let go. And be numb… selectively. Yes, selectively. Not entirely numb. It just happens. At least to me. I got subconsciously numb over things related to romantic love. I don’t see myself being that loving again towards any guy. The upside though is it helps me see the people who really care about me in a new light.