inner ramblings

The Reason

“God loves you. He loves you more than you’ll ever know.”

I keep on telling this to myself over and over since I was visited by my second nightmare this week and I’ve been overcome by feelings of guilt and unworthiness.

I am shameful.

“No, God is pleased with you.”

I am tainted.

“No, Jesus paid the price for all of your sins. You are a new creation now.”

I don’t deserve to be loved.

“No, God loves you no matter what.”

I know all of these things and yet, something is still wrong with me. I’ve known these truths because I’ve been through this phase before. I thought I’m over this. But just one bad dream was all it took to crack the confidence I’ve built all this time.

Past is past, they say. Yes, I moved on. I created a new life. I now live for a purpose that is beyond me and the world I live in. I envision myself in a future that is everything that my past was not.

And just one bad dream. I was reminded of it all. I was back to those times.

The lies.

The deceit.

The darkness.

Along with my confidence, the vision of my future…quakes.

I feel like I’m at the end of myself. No, I am at the end of myself. No one can save me. Not even my beloved whose love I have for him brought me to this point. No one.

“God loves you so much!”

How many times do I have to tell this to myself? What do I do?

“God loves you so much that you’ve come this far.”

Yes, I’ve come so far. But I’m back from the start.

“God loves you so much that He made a way out of this ‘black hole’!”

A way out? Where?

“The Cross! Jesus! You were the reason, remember?”

The Cross. Jesus. I was the reason.

He suffered.

He was crucified.

He bled to death.

And I was the reason.




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