“God loves you. He loves you more than you’ll ever know.”
I keep on telling this to myself over and over since I was visited by my second nightmare this week and I’ve been overcome by feelings of guilt and unworthiness.
I am shameful.
“No, God is pleased with you.”
I am tainted.
“No, Jesus paid the price for all of your sins. You are a new creation now.”
I don’t deserve to be loved.
“No, God loves you no matter what.”
I know all of these things and yet, something is still wrong with me. I’ve known these truths because I’ve been through this phase before. I thought I’m over this. But just one bad dream was all it took to crack the confidence I’ve built all this time.
Past is past, they say. Yes, I moved on. I created a new life. I now live for a purpose that is beyond me and the world I live in. I envision myself in a future that is everything that my past was not.
And just one bad dream. I was reminded of it all. I was back to those times.
Along with my confidence, the vision of my future…quakes.
I feel like I’m at the end of myself. No, I am at the end of myself. No one can save me. Not even my beloved whose love I have for him brought me to this point. No one.
“God loves you so much!”
How many times do I have to tell this to myself? What do I do?
“God loves you so much that you’ve come this far.”
Yes, I’ve come so far. But I’m back from the start.
“God loves you so much that He made a way out of this ‘black hole’!”
A way out? Where?
“The Cross! Jesus! You were the reason, remember?”
The Cross. Jesus. I was the reason.
He was crucified.
He bled to death.
And I was the reason.
I WAS THE REASON.