inner ramblings

The Reason

“God loves you. He loves you more than you’ll ever know.”

I keep on telling this to myself over and over since I was visited by my second nightmare this week and I’ve been overcome by feelings of guilt and unworthiness.

I am shameful.

“No, God is pleased with you.”

I am tainted.

“No, Jesus paid the price for all of your sins. You are a new creation now.”

I don’t deserve to be loved.

“No, God loves you no matter what.”

I know all of these things and yet, something is still wrong with me. I’ve known these truths because I’ve been through this phase before. I thought I’m over this. But just one bad dream was all it took to crack the confidence I’ve built all this time.

Past is past, they say. Yes, I moved on. I created a new life. I now live for a purpose that is beyond me and the world I live in. I envision myself in a future that is everything that my past was not.

And just one bad dream. I was reminded of it all. I was back to those times.

The lies.

The deceit.

The darkness.

Along with my confidence, the vision of my future…quakes.

I feel like I’m at the end of myself. No, I am at the end of myself. No one can save me. Not even my beloved whose love I have for him brought me to this point. No one.

“God loves you so much!”

How many times do I have to tell this to myself? What do I do?

“God loves you so much that you’ve come this far.”

Yes, I’ve come so far. But I’m back from the start.

“God loves you so much that He made a way out of this ‘black hole’!”

A way out? Where?

“The Cross! Jesus! You were the reason, remember?”

The Cross. Jesus. I was the reason.

He suffered.

He was crucified.

He bled to death.

And I was the reason.



inner ramblings

At The Moment

At the moment.

The phrase has been very catchy and widely used these days. The #atm has been a trend in social media posts. But what does it really mean to be ‘at the moment’?

At the moment, I’m composing this blog post, typing away my thoughts as I ponder and wonder. But am I really at the moment? Am I really at the moment when I choose to ponder and wonder instead of doing other useful things like doing the laundry? Or watching a movie? Or reading a book? Or sleeping? Does it even matter what I’m doing right now if I am not really at the moment?

There are a lot of things to do, think and feel at the moment, or in any moment of any day. But it is not always that these three things cooperate with each other. Sometimes, you’re doing one thing while thinking and feeling a million other things unrelated to what you’re doing at the moment. Other times, a feeling so strong consumes you and yet you have to be responsible and do what you do and so your thoughts are being pulled in different directions. To really be at the moment is something that all of us have a hard time achieving many times in our lives.

To be at the moment means there is unity in thoughts, actions and emotions. There is clear and undeniable intention. It is a product of choice and determination. The phrase has been loosely used by many but it is actually very meaningful and profound when you really think about it.

So am I at the moment? Yes, because I choose to be. I intend to focus my thoughts, emotions and abilities in writing about this. And no, because if I look at it in a different perspective, I’m trying to not dwell on something else that will keep me from being at the moment. Being at the moment is a matter of perspective too… I guess. (Haha!)

Are you at the moment?


Contigo en la distancia (With you in the distance)

No existe un momento del dia
En que pueda apartarte de mí
El mundo parece distinto
Cuando no estás junto a mí

No hay bella melodia
En que no surjas tú
Ni yo quiero escucharla
Si no la escuchas tú

Es que te has convertido
En parte de mi alma
Ya nada me consuela
Si no estas tú también

Mas allá de tus labios
Del sol y las estrellas,
Contigo en la distancia,
Amado mío, estoy
{fin de bis}

Contigo en la distancia,
Amado mío, estoy, oh

English translation

There’s no such moment of the day
That could drift you apart from me
The world seems different
When you’re not by my side.

There’s no sweet melody
in which you don’t appear
nor do I want to hear it
if you don’t hear it too

It’s because you’ve become
A part of my soul
Nothing comforts me anymore
If you’re not by my side.

Far beyond your lips
Of the sun and of the stars
With you in the distance
My beloved one, I am.

With you in the distance
My beloved one, I am, oh
With you