Date: September 9, 2015
I woke up with a heavy heart today. I cried myself to sleep last night. And I still couldn’t help but cry while I was taking a bath this morning. I know I should thank You for waking me up. I know I should be grateful that I’m still alive even if I feel so depressed. Oh God. This one is tough.
I’m sorry for lying to myself… to You. I’ve said before that I won’t expect anything anymore to avoid the pain and disappointments like this. But I lied. I still expected. I hoped. I attached myself to someone I shouldn’t have attached myself to, of all people. Because I knew it would be this painful when this time comes. I guess I was hoping that this time won’t come. But it did. He suddenly stopped paying attention. He started “ghosting” me. I feel stupid for opening myself up to him. I guess I shouldn’t have. But that wouldn’t have been right, too. I don’t want superficial. I want real. But I guess I’m just the one who’s real. And I’m superficial to him.
This hurts so much, Lord. I have nowhere and no one to run to but You, Lord. It won’t be right if I force things to happen. He knew I have special feelings for him. And he’s doing this now. Is this his way of saying ‘No’? Why can’t he be just clear about it? I’m sorry, I’m being impatient again. I know I should wait. But the wait is killing me right now that he’s doing this to me. I need You, Lord, please. Should I do something about it? Or should I just be still? Tell me what to do, Lord. I feel so hopeless and helpless on this matter. I’m sorry. Forgive me for the things I’ve done that I shouldn’t have done. Forgive me for the things I’ve said that I shouldn’t have said. And yes, please take care of him, Lord. He’s hurting me with his indifference right now but I do love him. I would never… I should never wish for anything bad to happen to him, Lord. Keep my heart guarded, Lord. Purify and cleanse me of all the things that hinder me from the things that You want me to do. In Jesus’ name. Amen.