What is love? Or how would you know that you truly love someone? I don’t say “in love” because for me, I think, being in love means the feelings are mutual between two people. So how would you know that it’s love?
These days, I can’t help but ponder on this question whenever I’m alone. Because how would I know really? How would I know that what I have right now is indeed “true love” like what my closest couple friends are saying? How could they conclude such a thing in the first place anyway?
If I’m going to look back and put in a nutshell what really happened to me in this area of my life in the past month that I’ve been soul-searching, I moved on from a “la vie en rose” perspective and from my full-blown infatuation over him. Then after that, I felt kinda lost. Like a huge chunk of me was missing. But thank God, He restored me later on. It wasn’t easy though. There came a time when I thought God wanted me to remove him in my thoughts and in my heart. I really tried so hard. But in the end, all my efforts were in vain. For the more I tried to forget about him, the more he kept on disturbing my thoughts. I’ve asked God countless times, “Why?” Lately, I finally realized, He never wanted me to forget that person in the first place.
So what now? What is this I’m feeling? Sometimes I’m scared for I know that now it’s for real. No more “rose-colored glasses.” No longer tainted by infatuation. And I guess, no matter how much I try to not think of him, he will always be at the back of my mind. Lingering. Waiting to resurface any chance that would trigger me to remember him. But unlike before, I no longer dwell and moon over. I no longer have the urge to fantasize and dream. I just simply remember him. And the memories that come along with whatever it is that reminds me of him. And of course, I can’t help but smile. Or frown. Depending on the memories. In the end, I sigh with a silent prayer that he’s alright and happy with whatever he’s doing at that very moment. Even if he’s out on a date with someone else.
Yes, I admit. I feel uncomfortable every time I see him in my news feed together with a girl/s out on a date. The first time I felt it, it was strong. But thank God, He had mercy on me and helped me change my heart, thoughts and attitude on such stuffs. But yeah. Still, I’m uncomfortable whenever it happens. I can’t help but feel a bit jealous.
But apart from that, I’ve never felt more at peace and shall I say, happy, with my self and my life. And at the end of the day, he’s now a part of my prayers. Praying for the best. That God would give him everything he needs even if it’s not what he wants. That God would make him the person that He wants him to be. That God would protect and hide him from evil. That everyday he will be guided by God’s grace so he will never lose his way. That he will always be happy. That even though I’m hoping for a possibility that we could be together someday, if it’s not part of God’s plans for us, whoever he ends up with someday, I pray that they will be happy and they are both being molded by God right now for that season in their lives in the future.
So tell me, what is love? What is this I have right now? This, I’m sure of right now. Whatever this is, I put my trust in God. My heart is now in His hands. I’m secured.