inner ramblings

Unbecoming. In The Waiting.

You know that feeling when you’ve finally awaken from a really good dream? And you’re like, “WTH?” Then all of a sudden, reality starts to sink in. Like a water dam, reality flows in. And boom. Rose-colored glasses were taken off your eyes. Butterflies flew out and away from your insides. It’s like the walls you’ve built for so long are being torn down. Deep inside, you are shaken. Vulnerable. Lost.

For so long, knowingly and unkowingly, I’ve pampered my hopeless romantic emotions and fantasies. I thought it was alright to nurse and be carried away by my crushes. I’ve been an excellent example of someone who was so in love with being in love and who got so easily infatuated. Which usually led to unreasonable heartbreaks, pathetic crying and time wasted on thinking and contemplating if what I’m feeling is love. Sounds crazy, right? But that’s how I was. That’s who I WAS. (Emphasis on the past tense.)

However, a certain book showed me how wrong I’ve been. First, a part of the book bluntly described me. From the book, I realized, I’ve been so in love with love and deeply infatuated. And just like that, a war broke out in my soul. At once, it stopped being crazy about love and slowly, the infatuation melted away.

Right now, I feel nothing. Lost would best describe the state I’m currently in. For you see, being hopelessly romantic and intense have been large parts of me for so long. And now, just because of one book, they all crumbled down. I feel like I’m in a state of repair. If I would describe in one word what’s happening to me, the term “unbecoming” would fit so well.

I don’t know yet the purpose for the “unbecoming” that’s happening to me. I’m still not used to the “new person” residing in me. It feels so different. No more crazy spazzing over handsome/cute fandoms. No more intense crushing over someone. No more nonsense smiling and laughing. No more romantic daydreams. And a lot more. These things that have unconsciously became habits to me now seem pointless. Irresponsible. Immature. Whenever I catch myself unconsciously dwelling on a romantic fantasy, I immediately refrain from it. It’s not a healthy habit for me.

You see, the book did not only point out my self-endangering habits. It also taught me how I would attain the very thing that I’m looking for in my future forever relationship. Because in the first place, I don’t want a short-term, temporary, just-for-fun relationship with an opposite sex if God willed me to be in one. The book showed me just exactly what I want: TRUE LOVE. Which leads to forever-after. Marriage. And to achieve that kind of love, it is not just about being attracted to each other which eventually leads to love. True love is characterized by these things: COMMITTED. SINCERE. SELFLESS. RESPONSIBLE.

Finally, knowing these things, it made me think. Perhaps the process of unbecoming that’s happening to me right now will help me someday find the kind of love I dream of having. And I have this feeling that it’s gonna be a very long wait. For I still have lots of goals and dreams to achieve. Lots of places to visit. God gave me so many talents and I know I have to use them all to serve Him. Until then, true love, please wait. Only when God gives the green light will I fully commit to the person God has prepared just for me.

To that person (whoever you are),

Let’s wait on each other. Let’s not awaken love until we’re ready. For now, let’s focus on the One who loved us first. These things I swear. I’ll commit my entire time living alone in pleasing God. I’ll be sincere in everything I do so that by doing so, I’m spreading and sharing God’s light and love to the world. I’ll be selfless in serving and helping everyone around me. Lastly, I’ll be responsible for myself, most importantly, my heart, for from it, everything flows.

To my destined true love, until God’s fated time.

Your destined true love

“Then be content poor heart. God’s plans, like lilies pure and white, unfold. We must not tear the close-shut leaves apart.” – originally taken from “Sometime” by May Riley Smith; an excerpt from “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” by Joshua Harris


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