inner ramblings

Realizations On Love

I had a mysterious dream two nights ago. It was a song. The lyrics went like this:

Maalala mo kaya sa Kanya nagmula
Ang pag-ibig na wagas na walang katumbas

At first, I was bewildered why the message was like that. I looked within me and deep inside I knew why. I just don’t wanna say it out loud. Then last night, we watched Vampire Academy. Dimitri’s line near the end of the movie struck me.

“If I let myself love, I won’t throw myself in front of the princess. I’ll throw myself in front of you.”
– Dimitri Belikov to Rose Hathaway (Vampire Academy)

It made me think really hard and finally admit to myself: I’m kinda scared to love again someone if it would make me love that person more than I love God. I’m afraid that I would go through it again.

I contemplated about it. Then the song from two nights ago came back to me. I was being reminded that love came from God and God Himself is love. And everything is good and beautiful in His love. If it isn’t good and beautiful, then it doesn’t come from Him. It isn’t love. A sudden realization hits me. It wasn’t love. What I had in the past wasn’t love.

Right now, I just can’t help but be joyful and grateful to Him everyday for His grace and love saved me, healed me and continuously transform me into the person I am becoming each passing day. Everyday is just so meaningful with Him.

Later that night, after I’ve read the Bible for a while, I was supposed to sleep then as was my routine. But I don’t know what made me do it. I got up from bed and picked up the book “Boy Meets Girl” by Joshua Harris and started reading it for the second time. Amazingly, I’ve found the answers to the questions I didn’t even know I’ve been having. Because lately, I’ve been having these random coming-from-nowhere waves of visions and desires(?) with a certain someone. Every time they happen, I can’t help but just close my eyes and pray:

“Oh God, is this coming from You? If it isn’t, take it away, please? It feels good but if it’s not from You, take it away, oh Father!”

The book made more sense to me now than the first time I read it. Not that I’m in a “courtship-relationship” with anyone right now. I don’t know. It just made sense to me. Nevertheless, the book made me realize that whatever feelings I have for that certain someone, they should be guided by Wisdom. And so, this is my prayer:

“Oh Father God, fill me with Your Holy Spirit so I may know how to act, think, feel and speak in every situation I’m in. Teach me and guide me to reign in these feelings I have for him until the right time, Your perfect time comes. Thank You for Your love, oh Father, for I know all beauty and goodness flow from You. You know of my desires, oh Father. And I pray that if they’re not in accordance to Your will, please change them. I surrender my all to You, oh Father. Take control of my thoughts, my heart, my words, my actions and my soul. I trust You with all of me. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.”


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