I’ve been haunted by my past for a while now. Ever since I started to get to know God in a different perspective, I can’t help but look back and ponder on what happened back then. The hows. The whys. The what ifs. The circumstances. The decisions and choices made. Back then, I was foolishly and blindly asking and calling God for help, for reasons as to why He was letting those things happen to me. Why did He not save me from the fall? Why did He let me keep on falling and hit rock bottom?
You see, it was different back then. I was all alone. By alone, I mean ALONE. No close friends. Not a single soul I could run to. No confidante. No one but myself. I was a busybody back then with my first year in college and with my mother relying on me for our financial needs at home. Until that person came. He showed me that he cared for me. He understood me. He listened to me. He made me feel loved. And along the way, despite the circumstances we were in, I learned to love him, too. Yes, I was naive and stupid. Those times, I kept on asking and begging God to save me, help me from the mess I was in. I was helpless. I was miserable. It was a tough love. The happiness was only temporary. Nobody but myself alone can save me from it. But I sincerely loved him. And so even if I’ve been wrecked by guilt, shame and despair every time we were together, we continued. What could I do? Back then, there was only him. I got no one else. Not even my mother who pretended to be blind from what was happening right in front of her for she, too, was desperate.
Then more than a year later, something happened. It left me scarred and broken. And we finally broke up. For a while, I was at my lowest. Lost self. Lost confidence. But life must go on until I was able to transfer to UPD for my sophomore year. Little by little, I moved on. Through some people, He picked me up and led me back to the right path.
So much have already happened since then. I’ve come a long way from the person I was to who I am right now. I have close friends now whom I can talk and run to whenever. I value them so much for I know how it feels to be all alone. I want to be there for them whenever they need someone to rely on. I also learned not to judge people who are nearly or exactly in the same situation I was in for I know how it was like to feel helpless, desperate and having your life revolve on one person who’ll never deserve it.
So why is my past haunting me now? What is He trying to tell me? What’s the hidden message behind my horrible past? I guess it’s becoming clear to me. He let me experience and feel all those pain, miseries and horrible things for me to understand what it was like to be helpless and alone amidst everything. And because I’ve felt and experienced those myself, I couldn’t help but feel the sufferings of those who are experiencing the same things. That’s why no matter how worthless and dirty other people see them, I could never judge them. Because I understand very well that they never wanted to be in the miserable state they are in but circumstances led them there. If only there’s at least one good soul who cared and steered them the right way, they could have been saved. So, from now on, I promise this. If I find lonely souls who are about to lose their way or have lost their way, I will do my best to help them. I believe God is telling me that it’s about time for me to open up myself and be an inspiration to others. Perhaps it’s the reason why I feel so confused about my mother these past few days. God was telling me to do something and so I did.
But I have one last thing to reconcile with myself. I’ve accepted everything that happened to me in the past. But there’s one thing I can’t forgive myself yet. I guess only time…or someone can tell. And when that time comes, I shall be prepared for all the possibilities. Possibilities of being left behind and getting my heart and someone’s heart broken into pieces. Or shall I just rule out having a love life to avoid all the hurt and the pain? Well, I don’t know what plans God has in store for me but I trust Him. For I know that whatever He’s planning for me are for my own good for sure. I just have to wait and see.