inner ramblings

Just Live and Have Faith

These past few days, I’ve been preoccupied with worries, fears and negative thoughts. Worries about the future, fears of things that might happen again and negative thoughts about myself. I don’t even know where they’ve come from. I should have just shrugged them off and enjoyed those past few days. I would have been saved from nonsense stress. Good thing, He woke me up from what it now seemed like a bad dream, saying, “WHAT ARE YOU WORRYING ABOUT? WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF? HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN MY PROMISES TO YOU?”

Just this morning, I was browsing my Facebook news feed. I was still feeling a bit down but then, for some reason, my news feed was filled with quotes and bible scriptures from Jesus Daily page. As I read them along, gradually, I was feeling better. Before noon, I was back to my old positive self.

During those few days of wallowing and over-thinking, I’ve been praying to God morning and night to keep away those sad feelings from my chest. Last night, I didn’t get much sleep. I was restless. However, this morning, He answered my prayer by reminding me of His promises. Thank you God!

Last week, a good friend of mine lent me her journal, thinking that it might help me see and understand God better, and with some of my personal issues. Indeed, it helped. I realized that God never left me, not even once, especially during those dark times in the past. He was always there. It was me who wasn’t able to see Him. I was blinded by things happening to me. During those times, when I was desperately calling to Him, “Where are you, God? Why are you letting these things happen to me?”, He was there. He was testing me. A test which I failed.

Yeah, I failed Him. I knew what was the right thing to do but I let my heart win. I didn’t love Him enough. I was more in love with someone else who didn’t even deserve it. The one who led me astray and away from Him. And because of that, I was unhappy, guilty and ashamed the whole time. For every happiness I shared with that person, sadness and guilt filled me. Because I know deep inside that what we had was wrong. But what can I do? During those times, I only see him. I trust only him. I can’t trust my mother anymore for she was the very reason why we were in that situation anyway. I was hopeless. I was lost. Then things got worse. We finally hit the dead end. And I was left cold, broken and miserable.

It was a horrible past. It’s part of my greatest fears. Not one of my friends right now knew what really happened. And I am most afraid to be left alone again if they finally knew what happened to me. But then, you see, I’ve been keeping everything to myself. I feel guilty. I feel like I don’t deserve these good people around me. It’s the biggest personal issue I have right now. I can’t forgive myself from letting those things happen to me.

But then, life goes on. I have to live. And perhaps, only in God’s time will I be fully healed. I just have to live and have faith.


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