These past few days, I’ve been preoccupied with worries, fears and negative thoughts. Worries about the future, fears of things that might happen again and negative thoughts about myself. I don’t even know where they’ve come from. I should have just shrugged them off and enjoyed those past few days. I would have been saved from nonsense stress. Good thing, He woke me up from what it now seemed like a bad dream, saying, “WHAT ARE YOU WORRYING ABOUT? WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF? HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN MY PROMISES TO YOU?”
Just this morning, I was browsing my Facebook news feed. I was still feeling a bit down but then, for some reason, my news feed was filled with quotes and bible scriptures from Jesus Daily page. As I read them along, gradually, I was feeling better. Before noon, I was back to my old positive self.
During those few days of wallowing and over-thinking, I’ve been praying to God morning and night to keep away those sad feelings from my chest. Last night, I didn’t get much sleep. I was restless. However, this morning, He answered my prayer by reminding me of His promises. Thank you God!
Last week, a good friend of mine lent me her journal, thinking that it might help me see and understand God better, and with some of my personal issues. Indeed, it helped. I realized that God never left me, not even once, especially during those dark times in the past. He was always there. It was me who wasn’t able to see Him. I was blinded by things happening to me. During those times, when I was desperately calling to Him, “Where are you, God? Why are you letting these things happen to me?”, He was there. He was testing me. A test which I failed.
Yeah, I failed Him. I knew what was the right thing to do but I let my heart win. I didn’t love Him enough. I was more in love with someone else who didn’t even deserve it. The one who led me astray and away from Him. And because of that, I was unhappy, guilty and ashamed the whole time. For every happiness I shared with that person, sadness and guilt filled me. Because I know deep inside that what we had was wrong. But what can I do? During those times, I only see him. I trust only him. I can’t trust my mother anymore for she was the very reason why we were in that situation anyway. I was hopeless. I was lost. Then things got worse. We finally hit the dead end. And I was left cold, broken and miserable.
It was a horrible past. It’s part of my greatest fears. Not one of my friends right now knew what really happened. And I am most afraid to be left alone again if they finally knew what happened to me. But then, you see, I’ve been keeping everything to myself. I feel guilty. I feel like I don’t deserve these good people around me. It’s the biggest personal issue I have right now. I can’t forgive myself from letting those things happen to me.
But then, life goes on. I have to live. And perhaps, only in God’s time will I be fully healed. I just have to live and have faith.