inner ramblings

My Heart Aches

I find it hard to breathe. My chest is aching. I feel tired. Drained. I don’t know why. I feel like a fool. No. I am a fool. For him. No. Scratch that. It can’t be true. This is nothing. I just got tired of spazzing over my K-Pop biases and my friends’ growing relationship…

Oh, that’s it. I feel bitter. Hahaha. WTH. I just can’t bear seeing any other people’s real love stories except that of my friends’ and the fictional ones I read or watch. If I’ll be honest to myself, I badly want those things to happen to me, too. I long to be loved and to love. I long to be cared for and to care. Unlike my first relationship, this time, I want it to be right. I want it to be sincere. No lies. No pretending. Just…REAL. And for such thing to be possible, understanding should come first. Whoever that someone is, we MUST understand each other.

But I have a problem. My past. I still can’t forgive myself. I don’t deserve someone nice and true. Cause I don’t wanna hurt him in the end. And as much as possible, I don’t wanna go through the heart break all over again, too. I don’t wanna be left alone again. I don’t wanna be ALONE.

Ah, I feel so restless. I better pray and talk to Him.


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