inner ramblings

Just Live and Have Faith

These past few days, I’ve been preoccupied with worries, fears and negative thoughts. Worries about the future, fears of things that might happen again and negative thoughts about myself. I don’t even know where they’ve come from. I should have just shrugged them off and enjoyed those past few days. I would have been saved from nonsense stress. Good thing, He woke me up from what it now seemed like a bad dream, saying, “WHAT ARE YOU WORRYING ABOUT? WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF? HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN MY PROMISES TO YOU?”

Just this morning, I was browsing my Facebook news feed. I was still feeling a bit down but then, for some reason, my news feed was filled with quotes and bible scriptures from Jesus Daily page. As I read them along, gradually, I was feeling better. Before noon, I was back to my old positive self.

During those few days of wallowing and over-thinking, I’ve been praying to God morning and night to keep away those sad feelings from my chest. Last night, I didn’t get much sleep. I was restless. However, this morning, He answered my prayer by reminding me of His promises. Thank you God!

Last week, a good friend of mine lent me her journal, thinking that it might help me see and understand God better, and with some of my personal issues. Indeed, it helped. I realized that God never left me, not even once, especially during those dark times in the past. He was always there. It was me who wasn’t able to see Him. I was blinded by things happening to me. During those times, when I was desperately calling to Him, “Where are you, God? Why are you letting these things happen to me?”, He was there. He was testing me. A test which I failed.

Yeah, I failed Him. I knew what was the right thing to do but I let my heart win. I didn’t love Him enough. I was more in love with someone else who didn’t even deserve it. The one who led me astray and away from Him. And because of that, I was unhappy, guilty and ashamed the whole time. For every happiness I shared with that person, sadness and guilt filled me. Because I know deep inside that what we had was wrong. But what can I do? During those times, I only see him. I trust only him. I can’t trust my mother anymore for she was the very reason why we were in that situation anyway. I was hopeless. I was lost. Then things got worse. We finally hit the dead end. And I was left cold, broken and miserable.

It was a horrible past. It’s part of my greatest fears. Not one of my friends right now knew what really happened. And I am most afraid to be left alone again if they finally knew what happened to me. But then, you see, I’ve been keeping everything to myself. I feel guilty. I feel like I don’t deserve these good people around me. It’s the biggest personal issue I have right now. I can’t forgive myself from letting those things happen to me.

But then, life goes on. I have to live. And perhaps, only in God’s time will I be fully healed. I just have to live and have faith.

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inner ramblings

Where’s The Real One

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a loner. Neither an introvert. At least, not anymore. In fact, I have friends now. Close friends. We go out. We talk about lots of things. We do fun and crazy stuffs together. As a person with varied interests and different personas, they know and they’ve already seen several sides of me. But still, they don’t really know me.

You see, I’m the type of person who goes with the flow of things. I have various interests and hobbies right now because they introduced some of those to me and I liked them. And in time, they became part of me, too. For example, one friend of mine introduced K-Pop to me just last year. I liked it and now, I’m a K-Pop fan, too. I love anything “new” as long as it’s fun (for me) and safe ’cause I’ve always loved learning and exploring.

So, where’s the real me? Well, personally, I really don’t know. In a room full of strangers, I’m the type who’ll stay in a corner or inconspicuously walk around and observe the people around me. If someone talks to me, I’ll be friendly and respond politely but cautiously. I’m dumb when it comes to starting any sorts of friendly conversation with someone I just met. I’m just not much of a talker. I’m more of a listener. Also, it takes time for me to be comfortable with anyone unless we hit it right away when we first met. I also don’t judge things easily, too. Well, most of the time, I don’t really have any opinion on most stuffs because I always think that there’s always a reason behind everything. That makes me boring, yeah, but that’s just how I am. I also love anything beautiful. I have great appreciation for beauty. Be it people, things, place… name it. As long as it’s beautiful in my eyes, I love it.

Those are just a tiny part of who I am. But it makes me wonder, when stripped of all external factors, who will remain among my several personas? Who’s the real one? Where’s the real me?

poem

From Afar

Helpless
Breathless
Here I am
Heart aching
Mind numbing
Just seeing you
From afar

Can’t go near you
I might explode
Won’t be able to breathe
Heart failing
This feeling
I have for you
Can only be
From afar

Let me adore you
From afar
Let me look at you
From afar
Let this heart ache for you
From afar
It’s the only way I can be
I am sorry

inner ramblings

My Heart Aches

I find it hard to breathe. My chest is aching. I feel tired. Drained. I don’t know why. I feel like a fool. No. I am a fool. For him. No. Scratch that. It can’t be true. This is nothing. I just got tired of spazzing over my K-Pop biases and my friends’ growing relationship…

Oh, that’s it. I feel bitter. Hahaha. WTH. I just can’t bear seeing any other people’s real love stories except that of my friends’ and the fictional ones I read or watch. If I’ll be honest to myself, I badly want those things to happen to me, too. I long to be loved and to love. I long to be cared for and to care. Unlike my first relationship, this time, I want it to be right. I want it to be sincere. No lies. No pretending. Just…REAL. And for such thing to be possible, understanding should come first. Whoever that someone is, we MUST understand each other.

But I have a problem. My past. I still can’t forgive myself. I don’t deserve someone nice and true. Cause I don’t wanna hurt him in the end. And as much as possible, I don’t wanna go through the heart break all over again, too. I don’t wanna be left alone again. I don’t wanna be ALONE.

Ah, I feel so restless. I better pray and talk to Him.

poem

One Midnight In Summer

One midnight in summer
The rain falls on our shoulder
As we walk hand in hand
Under the blue moon
Partly covered by clouds
Our hearts beat loud
In tune with each other
Words don’t matter
Cause actions speak louder
Just one look
That’s all it took
To make each other smile
Every second worth while
As long as we’re together
Even if the rain falls forever
On this one midnight in summer

inner ramblings

Self Unforgiven

Everytime I feel so much happiness, sadness follows. There’s this feeling of guilt weighing down in my chest. I feel like I don’t deserve to be this happy around those good and nice people. I’ve come to terms with everything that happened during those dark times in the past except for one. I can’t stop myself from asking, “Why the hell did I let it happen to me?” That one thing I’m most regretful of. I can’t fully forgive myself… yet. I’m so afraid to be left alone again. If only I could turn back time and prevent those awful things from happening to me. I should have been stronger. I should have thought of the future.  But it’s too late now. There’s nothing I could do. I’ve been lost before. And now that I’m back on the right track, that scar will always remind me how weak, stupid and naive I’ve been. Where there is happiness, sadness follows.

poem

I Remember My Mother

I remember my mother

The way she took care of me

How she disciplined me

The love she gave me

How she supported me

Everything she did for me

And how it all ended

Because of an intruder

Who came into our lives

Broke our family into fives

Made my mother lie

Her morals die

 

Ties ended

Souls shaken

Hearts broken

Trust beaten

Leaving her all alone

As I grieve for her

Hoping, praying she’ll find

Her lost morals

Lost faith and mind

The way back to His arms

By leaving her faults behind

Sincerely

Wholeheartedly

And willingly.

 

I remember my mother

For she caused me these scars

The victim of her falls

I suffered them all

Leaving me drained

Cold and broken

Alone and undeserving

Of love and good things.

 

I remember my mother

‘Cause even if I’ve forgiven her

Trust can’t be recovered

The scars won’t go away

They still don’t want her anyway

While she still goes astray 

And won’t give up her ways.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

poem

Lonely In The Rain

Alone in the rain

Waiting in vain

For him to come

And lead me home

 

Tears in my eyes

Streaming down my cheeks

Were unnoticed, unseen

Because of the rain

 

All alone

Here in the rain

I’m crying

Waiting in vain

For the one who promised

To keep me warm

To keep me away

From the rain

 

But he never came

Even when I called out his name

He left me crying

Waiting for him

Choking from my tears

And lonely in the rain

poem

Up Above

 

Up above

Eagles fly

Clouds pass by

Sun shines bright

Stars twinkle at night

Rainbow bridges earth and sky

 

Up above

That’s where I wanna be

I wanna soar high with the eagles

Ride on the fluffy clouds

Get close to the burning sun

Shine like the stars in the sky

Walk along the rainbow bridge

See what’s on the other end

 

Up above

He is there

Who made the eagles fly

Clouds float in the sky

Sun rise and set everyday

Stars twinkling bright in the night

And rainbows high up in the sky

Giving hope to dreamers who fight

 

Up above

He’s watching over me

How I live everyday

Make mistakes along the way

Win and lose in battles

Crawl my way out of struggles

Be happy

Be silly

Get left behind

By people who matters

Heart powdered like sand

But it doesn’t matter

He’s my very own heartsmith

The one who mends

Who never left

Who blessed me with gifts

Who showers me with love

From up above.

poem

When I Was Five

Seeing branches and leaves

Happily swaying in the breeze

Reminds me of a life

I once had back when I was five;

Free of worries,

Free of sorries,

I was lively,

Bright and happy

When I was five.

When I was five,

My sister and I often play

Crazy games everyday

In the house and amongst the trees

Where the birds’ tweets and rustling leaves

Are music to our ears

As we chase each other

Despite the shouts of our mother

Telling us, “Come back! Come back here!”

Oh mother, if I could

I will take us back to that time

When smiling’s not a crime,

When our family’s still alive

Oh, if only I could I would

Go back in time when I was five.