Funny how you say “hello” when you really mean “goodbye”
Say “I’m sorry” when you really mean “It’s over and we’re done”
Say “I’m okay” when nothing in your life is fine
And fake a smile while you say those lines
Funny how you stay while everyone is leaving
You fight while everyone is giving up
You dream while everyone surrenders to routine
And feel so alone in your journey
Funny how they start seeking when you’re gone
They start pulling when you rise
They start asking when you’re quiet
And stay away when you breakdown
Funny how many find it so easy to lie
So easy to put on a mask and pretend
So easy to put on an act and deceive
And there you are suffering with the lies
Funny how truths are taken for granted
Rights and wrongs mixed up, vague and blurred
Real and fakes are barely recognizable
And all that matters are what others said
Funny how humans are mistaken for things
Materials are given more value
Money is given the front seat
And the ones who are breathing in the back seat
Funny how as time passes the more life loses its meaning
Life loses its purpose
Life, as what it should be, is lost
And before you know it, time’s up and you’re dying.
In the distance was a spark
A dot in the dark
Tiny yet too stark
In the distance was a lark
In the pit a war was waged
Numbed by quiet rage
Screams and tears engage
In the pit a war was caged
In nothingness I lay down
Chased away by dawn
Crumpled and undone
In nothingness I am found
I’m tired. I’m tired. I’m TIRED.
I’m tired of trying hard to be someone I’m not. I’m tired of doing things I don’t really have any passion in. New Year? So what? I’m tired of following and restricting myself with time, too. I just feel like I’m so out-of-place and out-of-time with the life I’m living. I’m tired of trying to pace myself with the world I’m trying to conform to.
I’m tired of TRYING.
I’m tired of living this FAKE LIFE.
Last night, while I was watching some Korean drama, Pat came home from her choir gig. She then started gushing about her conference trip to Jade, my best friend. She was excitedly talking mainly about this former crush of hers and the other guy crush who were there with her. She was in an emotionally elated state and I can’t help but ponder on how far I’ve come from the girl I was. Now I can’t help but stop and think if I should be sad or glad that I’m past the stage where I dwell and feel all those roller coaster ride emotions of being around someone I like.
Or maybe I just got hurt. And tired. So I’ve become… numb?
I haven’t really given it much thought until now. I’ve been going with the flow ever since I’ve learned that thinking about the whys won’t make me get any better. I kept going and going. I went after the things that make me occupied and content. A couple of nights emotions still get the better of me. And now, no more.
Is it wrong to like someone? No.
Is it wrong to want to spend your life with someone? No.
Is it wrong to have no answers? No.
I guess when you’ve been through all those things, there will come a time when you’ll get tired of it all and just… let go. And be numb… selectively. Yes, selectively. Not entirely numb. It just happens. At least to me. I got subconsciously numb over things related to romantic love. I don’t see myself being that loving again towards any guy. The upside though is it helps me see the people who really care about me in a new light.
“This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper.”
– T.S. Eliot –
not with a bang but a whimper
with a bang but a whimper
a bang but a whimper
bang but a whimper
but a whimper