To Resist, To Give In, To Let Go

To Resist, To Give In, To Let Go

To Resist…

Not a day goes by that I haven’t struggled, trying to take control of the surge of emotions flooding my system. Did I just lose myself again? No, I don’t think so. I found a part of me instead which I didn’t know could possibly exist after everything I’ve been through. How could this be? How could the fire suddenly gets ignited by a simple, seemingly invisible contact? I don’t know how to deal with this fire. After a long time of lukewarm if not cold existence, I’m suddenly burning… yearning… desiring… for things I don’t feel deserving to have.

To Give In…

What do I do? Should I give in? Should I let myself get drowned in the surge? No. Definitely no. I can’t let my emotions take over again. Then what should I do? If I give in, I’m scared that I’m going to be a crumbling mess all over again. If I don’t give in, I’ll just have to keep on fighting myself. Is giving in the right way to go? 

To Let Go…

To accept. That sounds better. Am I ready to accept this? It’s freaking scary. I’m freaking scared of welcoming these bits of myself. But acceptance leads to peace… and healing. Acceptance might just be the best thing I could do. Stop denying. Stop resisting. Because the more I fight it, the more I hurt myself. If I stay true to myself and to what I’m feeling, maybe in time, I’ll master the art of letting go. 

 

 

 

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What are the Odds

What are the Odds

Have you ever thought about the what ifs and what could’ve beens? From the smallest to huge details, from insignificant to important decisions, from seemingly random circumstances to remarkable ones, from a passing thought to a really active one, or just the simple action-reaction that we do as time passes by, what are the odds of being led to something you never expect? Something you never thought possible? Something that makes sense of all the mess? Something that could possibly give the answers to the ‘whys’ that you kept on asking from the very start?

What if I chose tea over coffee in that coffee shop five years ago?

What if I decided to pick that other book from the bookstore a year ago?

What if I didn’t buy that dress from the online shop few months ago?

What if I didn’t drink those shots three summers ago?

What if I went instead of stayed at home that one weekend?

What if I answered that anonymous call instead of ignoring it?

What if I stared back and not stare away?

What if I didn’t go to meet those people on that one occasion?

What if I chose to stay instead of leaving during that one deciding moment?

What if I left instead of staying longer to get hurt more?

What if I stopped and talked through it?

What if I said ‘no’ instead of ‘yes’?

What if I didn’t love him?

What if I chose to stay numb and unfeeling?

What if I didn’t hold on to God?

What if I still trusted despite everything?

What if I didn’t trust God?

What if I gave up?

What if I chose a different path?

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What are the odds?

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What are the odds of meeting you?

~Train of thoughts~

~Train of thoughts~

Time check. 12:23 AM.

And here I am, typing away on my laptop, trying to make sense of the chaos in my mind after all the stimulation it got from the recent encounters. Certainties and uncertainties are clashing. Thoughts and emotions are stirring. In other words, I’m at the verge of drowning.

Let me start with Heisenberg’s principle. It is a famous idea that mostly applies to quantum physics that simply states that there’s a limit to what we can know. In other words, at some point, certainties end and uncertainties begin. It makes me ponder about how even the most advanced science can’t always be true beyond the extent of what we know. It even proves that not even vacuum or ‘nothingness’ is actually empty. I find it funny that virtual and almost non-existent particles that are invisible to the eye are more believed than the things that are hugely felt and experienced in our day-to-day.

Everyday, we wake up and go about our daily routine. As time passes by, we get to the point when we become so used to it and everything just feels old. There’s nothing new except whenever we take a break and do something else. And then when we don’t feel satisfied or fulfilled anymore, we look for other things that will fill us with purpose. And this goes on and on. Like a hamster, we become trapped in the cage, going round and round the wheel.

But what are you living for? Is it career? Money? Power? Fame? Beauty? Dreams? Or is it family? Children? A cause? Yourself?

Going back to the uncertainty principle, all of these things are only certain up to a limit. Everything is fleeting. We all die. The planet dies. The stars die. The galaxies collapse. The universe… is infinitely expanding. Haven’t you ever wondered how could that be? From the very beginning of the universe and time itself, everything that has been created live and die. There’s a constant cycle of births and deaths across the entire universe. Isn’t it depressing? We live and die. The things that we live for are fleeting, if not, superficial. In an infinitely expanding universe, we are comparable to the virtually almost non-existent particles that we’re trying to prove. So what’s the point of living?

Life is meaningless. 

If we’re going to look around us for life’s meaning, we will never find it. Life’s meaning is found within. What makes you burn with passion and purpose? What gives you unfailing satisfaction and fulfillment? What makes you hold it together and gives you unrelenting strength and courage to go on? What makes you able to spread the love and goodness in your very own unique way? What makes you feel that inexplicable feeling of contentment and peace? What makes you feel the most alive?

Who gave you that life purpose and meaning?  

Amidst all the certainties and uncertainties, what is your tentpole?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Funny How

Funny How

Funny how you say “hello” when you really mean “goodbye”
Say “I’m sorry” when you really mean “It’s over and we’re done”
Say “I’m okay” when nothing in your life is fine
And fake a smile while you say those lines

Funny how you stay while everyone is leaving
You fight while everyone is giving up
You dream while everyone surrenders to routine
And feel so alone in your journey

Funny how they start seeking when you’re gone
They start pulling when you rise
They start asking when you’re quiet
And stay away when you breakdown

Funny how many find it so easy to lie
So easy to put on a mask and pretend
So easy to put on an act and deceive
And there you are suffering with the lies

Funny how truths are taken for granted
Rights and wrongs mixed up, vague and blurred
Real and fakes are barely recognizable
And all that matters are what others said

Funny how humans are mistaken for things
Materials are given more value
Money is given the front seat
And the ones who are breathing in the back seat

Funny how as time passes the more life loses its meaning
Life loses its purpose
Life, as what it should be, is lost
And before you know it, time’s up and you’re dying.

Status

TIRED

I’m tired. I’m tired. I’m TIRED.

I’m tired of trying hard to be someone I’m not. I’m tired of doing things I don’t really have any passion in. New Year? So what? I’m tired of following and restricting myself with time, too. I just feel like I’m so out-of-place and out-of-time with the life I’m living. I’m tired of trying to pace myself with the world I’m trying to conform to.

I’m tired of TRYING.

I’m tired of living this FAKE LIFE.